I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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