She's like a pop up book from hell.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
