haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
