I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
