What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
