Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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