I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
