my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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