two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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