I molested 6 butterflies tonight
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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