My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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