In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
