All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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