she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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