I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
