i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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