My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
