ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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