My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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