yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
