Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
