Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
