why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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