Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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