my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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