also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have surprise drugs for everyone
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
