i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
