he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
