You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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