Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How does it feel to date your dad?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
