I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
