I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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