i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My ATM looks so different sober.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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