just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
