She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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