we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
