i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
