I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
