we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
