I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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