And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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