our cab driver is having phone sex.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
