im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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