Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
