we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You ruined the universe
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize