this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
