i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize