My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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