he wants to bone in the snuggie
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
