your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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