i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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