i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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