I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize