There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
