Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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